Death Lessons
by Sinju
Summary: Colby a new girl in a new town must find new ways to off herself. But the Locals aren't having it. They unwittingly stop her at every turn. This funny price is about a wrong we can go on something so simple.


Woe is me…………….Thank you sir may I have another.

Colby stared at her reflection in the mirror. Nothing has changed really she thought. I am still going to do it. She rummaged through her draws in her new room in a new house and town can you say Suck ass life. She puts on her usual outfit black t-shirt , jeans and flops. She grabs her book bag and heads down stairs. Stopping to listen when she hears dad and mom talking. " Lola, Colby will be fine you know what the doctor said, try and keep it as normal as possible." he say's. Colby rolls her eyes, "I will never be normal" I whispers and moves down the steps quietly so as not to alert the parents. I almost make it out the door when dad comes around the corner into the foyer. "Colby please try, we had a deal remembered one year, and you'll see it will get better." he says and reaches to hug me. I gives in because if not it would delay me further. I run out the door and jump into my car. It is my favorite thing on this world. A 1970 442 Oldsmobile Cutlass. Black and chrome. The day dad had gave me the car it almost caused me to be happy. I even think my mouth tried do that thing were the corners lift. It hurt….

I back out of the drive way and just sat there looking at our new house. I very common flat brick building with little windows all the way around it. Very Human I decide. I sit back in my seat and think this could be it to hell with a year of life and our "deal". I wait for the trash truck to come racing up the paved road to my house as it always does. I think about it smashing into my car and ending it all. But as usual, my plans for the life ending well end never go through. The trash truck stops four feet from my car and honks. I look right at the guy and say, "Do it slacktard! ". I can see the stains on his shirt and it's about three sizes to small. He was fat, nasty and so Human. He lays on the horn again and I slowly pull into the right lane and drive on. Oh, yes the "deal" I must not forget it. I promised my mom and dad I would stop trying to off myself for a year and try to life. Woohoo what fun. The only reason was because I did not want to live in an institution. So I make my way to the Community College of hick town USA aka Smithfield, North Carolina. Why the hell my parents thought we should move across the country to here boggles my mind. I turn the corner and pull out in front of a car. The driver slams the brakes and honks. I rev up the engine and speed up. Damn 0-2 for me. What a waste. I pull up in the drive way and get out and make my way to the office. And of course, with the luck I am having today step right into an open water drain. It is only big enough for my leg to fit through so yeah no hope if death by broken neck. And it would have perked up my day so. I crawl out of the hole and notice about 50 people standing around doing various Human acts and yep their looking right at me now. Great. So I say aloud to no one in particular, as I walk away "Yeah don't walk this way". I hardly ever embarrass my self or feel any other emotion but that was a close one I must admit.

I walk into the office and there are people standing around. The usual you see at a small college you have your run of the mill sad Human teenagers. Emo's , geeks, and second-string athletes all who did not make to the big schools. I so could have gone if I had wanted to. I look at them thinking "Ha-ha I win". I always do with Humans. I walk up to the desk and say to the rather Human version of Miss Piggy " Colby Turnage I need my class packets." She looks up at me and says, "May I please." with an attitude. Thinking that I have unfortunately slipped and start a conversation with her, I say, "Yes of course you may"… She stars at me for a long time. I start to feel maybe that was not the brightest thing to do when she turns and walks off. I look around at the room at all the "Scholl Spirit" posters and the Drugs are bad for you signs. Well duh, drugs are bad because Humans can never lead they're always following something or some one. I follow nothing but death. And the stinking bugger always slips through my fingers. The "Miss Piggy Live" returns and slaps my packet down on the counter. I look at her with a raise brow and pick it up. I turn to walk a way and decide to mess with her just once more. So I turn sharply back, catch her eye, and give her thumbs up. She opens her mouth and then shuts it fast. Leaving her looking like a pink, bloated fish, I make my way to the bookstore. I walk into the store and follow the signs heading right to the art section. Signing up for Fine arts was the on good thing out of our deal. I liked art especially Art History. I look down the rows and rows of books and find mine. I am looking through it when a Human knocks into me. I turn and just star at the girl. She looks like kind of an in between Emo and goth. She is wearing a black skirt with a skull on a chain. She looks "Fun" I think. She leans in and say's ' Sorry didn't mean to" and I know I shouldn't have and wish even now I could of sewed my lips shut, I say " No that's fine" and look at my book again. This unfortunately gave her cause to speak to me some more. "Oh are in Art History to "she says and grabs my book out of my hands. I look at her with the fires of hell in my eyes and say 'Yes'. She then continues her irritating monologue. "What porf, what time?" blah and I turn to look in my book bag for my stapler. I nice stapler in the forehead should end all contact with this human. I can't find it and shut my bag. Damn I must have left it at home. I snatch my book back, turn, and leave. Unfortunately, she follows me. I walk up the aisle thinking of ways to get rid of my stalker when a guy steps on my foot with a six-ton boot. I stop and bite my tongue. Ouch, that really hurt. As the air rushed out my mouth making me sound like a sixty year old smoker I look up at him. And of course, he has to be good-looking and tan. That is another thing I have noticed around here. Even the freaking emo's are tan. What is up with that? I think. Don't humans here know about skin cancer? The dude smiles at me and now I know I'm in trouble. He asks me "Did I hurt you?" I say "No my foot love to be smashed to pulp" he stars at me. Humans have never been able to get me. Then he laughs and so I think maybe in his small pea brain he has found a way to not look stupid. Ha-ha I win again. "It's not funny, I will be in contact with your insurance "I say and walk off. Still even as baffled as the poor fellow was he followed me. I stop in the middle of the ails and sniff my pits. Did I forget to put on my stinky anti-Human deodorant today? I sniff again and Yeap powdery freshness is seeping out of my arm crevasses. Damn this is the last time I forget. My entourages stopped with me so I moved again, decide okay no more Miss Nice Girl, and jump in front of ten people in line waiting to check out. They look at me and grumble but do nothing. So scared Humans are of conflict. I pay for my books and run out the door. I can still see my gang of two looking around for my stupidly through the window in the door. I walk down the halls looking for my class. I find it on my next turn. Heading into class and look for a seat in the back I stumble on something and quickly right myself. It would seem to me being as clumsy as I am ZI would of had no problem dieing but no not me. I'm even to clumsy for that. There is one seat left at the back so I head for it. But before I get there I guy claims it. I have had enough of the Humans today so I walk up to him and say evilly "Move NOW!" And he does, moving fast and clumsily dropping this and that out of his pack. I take my seat and wait. The prof comes in he's a small round man with a shiny baldhead. Classic I think to my self. He starts lecturing us on how important it is going to be to take notes and turn in assignments on time. I tune him out and pull out a blank sheet. Since making the deal with the parents it will give me time to think up way to off my self. The problem thus far for not succeeding was the intervention of the Humans. I kept trying to leave and they kept getting in the way. I decide this time to try extreme ways and make sure that either one there will not be enough time for one to intervene or two that I'd be to far from them for it to be stopped. I put Death by fire on the list. Hey not much can stop a fire right. I just need to be far away from water and Humans. The prof is starting to wrap up his speech and that means time to go. I stand up and grab my pack. I walk to the door with the list in my hand. I look at it once more and find relief in it. I almost feel peace finally. I start to walk thought the doorway and the damn door come flying back slamming into my face. All I could see by the hit and run assailant was Tall and Banana Republic t-shirt. When I find that Human it will be so sorry. The pain radiates my whole head. I feel like my face hates me and walk over to a bench near a window. Or at least that is what it looks like through the tears. I look about the window still wincing from the pain and see I couple of guys playing hacky sack. I think how would Death by hacky sack sound on the list and grab my pounding face. And so this list begins………..


End file.
